the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
