Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
