Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
