I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
