there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
