If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
