I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
