She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
