I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
