FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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