Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
