I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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