so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
