you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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