i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
