Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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