I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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