Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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