she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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