dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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