i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
