Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
