Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
