so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Too much gin, very little bucket
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he fucked my hip out of place.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
