whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
