No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
