Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
