Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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