I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
