It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
