This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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