My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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