She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
