My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
