Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
