I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
