we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
