i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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