Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
