we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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