Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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