I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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