I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Randomize
