He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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