Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
40s are totally the cure
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
