hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
