Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
