my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
why is half of my head shaved?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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