JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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