i just had sex bonerless
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
