You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
