Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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