so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
